BOROWITZ report.com
Giggling like a school girl.

TV Weekend | Dennis Miller: Pranksters, Pundits, Political Animals All
Look. You're ready to kick him in the balls because you think he "turned" on you. Admit it. Slag him on it. But for the love of Jesus juice, get over it already. He's done what? 5 shows at this time? And I suppose your yenta ass could whack out something better?

Personally, I think no one should ever let Dennis near a desk. He can't do it. Put him on his feet, with the monkey rambling around his ankles.

W as Grandma
Sully rates three on my Best Dude (Queer Division). Frankie LaFroschia, numer one forever. Siggy gets number two, only because I know the tool. Sully come in at three, because I needed the place to type "whee!"

Castro accuses Bush of plotting with Cuban American exiles to kill him
Don't cry to me you wee...ner!

My Way News
And I am supposed to trust your judicial? You are worse than Brooklyn.

ooh!Bluebeards Castle St. Thomas Virgin Islands

...a pompous little artichoke,...

BEHOLD, THE POWER OF STEVE
Anybody who didn't see this coming is just a farking moonbat. Jobs had Eisner so set-up the idiot should hang himself for sheer schmucktitude. Disney, built on animation, had become totally dependent on an outside source. Walt's ice cold brain was totally frosted. So Jobs dropped a hammer on his ass. If Mel Gibson can find a distributor, who do you think will bend over first to get Pixar's content?

I'm still amazed that this hasn't caused more of a stir, especially among the NGO types such as Moveon.org. They can produce all the commercials they want bashing Bush; no one will see them once August has passed.

Yahoo! News - Singer Courtney Love's Hearing Postponed
If they give her the kid then just give her the gun.

Clinton's Gift to Internet Age - Only 2 E-Mails
Bubba never leaves a paper trail

Yoda travels to Ireland

THE CASE AGAINST MARTHA STEWART
I always thought the only reason for the Feds going after Martha is somebody wants a famous head on their wall for career/political purposes. I never envisioned that this is the true motive.

HELLO, YOU DUMB PUTZ
TWO WEEKS UNDER 30F. THEN YOU CAN WALK ON ICE.
if you ignore this simple rule go waltz off and kill your ass.

al.com: News
another Jarvis design? FUCK CONDE NASTIES.

Boyd taking Columbia J-school job
Why don't you call yourself the House Shill for All That's Wrong? You farked it up, now you teach?

Michael Moore.com : Mike's Message
What fucking primary is FatBoy voting in? Michigan? Where you ran the fuck away from the minute you caught some coin? Or NY, where you live in a building that any dumb fuck named Jose wouldn't be allowed access unless he was a janitor?
Tell Me.

I Love You
I had my own booth at the annual Book Expo.
Now I hate you. A BOOTH? ASSHAT!

Berkeley Breathed - Contact Your Local Newspaper
HE'S NOT a penguin.He's my penguin.
and I'll kick any ass who says different. Or go down screaming "higgledy piggeldy!"

LeatherPenguin Blog
Anybody notice my spelling and such have gone right down the drain?
No. That would mean someone is actually reading these rants.

Judy Woodruff: Yelping Yenta
Hey, shit-for-brains. Look at the calendar. When do we swear the dude in? When do you expect him to do his Constitutional duty? I mean, shit! he might pre-empt some farking version of "CSI" or "Law And Order."
We can't have that, granny, can we?

Debra Saunders: Let Judy be Judith
Screw him. I'd vote for her.

Dennis Prager: Why Democrats use the F-word
FUCK.FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
You over it yet, you tight-assed git?

VINNIE MORRIS BECOMES A PENGUIN GOD
"you wanna go outside?"
"No."
SO I SHOULD KICK YOUR SHAGGY ASS HERE AND NOW? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING? OR SHOULD I COUNT TO FIVE AND THEN KICK YOUR BALLS TO YOUR BRAINPAN? GIMME A LEAD HERE, ASSHAT.

ya should have plugged the mug, Vincenzo! Rupert woulda bailed you out.
DesMoinesRegister.com | News

Chimp with a history of escapes forces evacuation of LA Zoo
I'm sorry. I hate LA. And this left me spurting in my coffee.

MOOREWATCH - Mike and Wesley - COMMENTS
Maybe the fisking I've seen this year (Hey! It's January.)

Mad ignorance U.S.A.: "In humans, it's hypothesized... "
The point where you lost me, dude. Tell me a farking fact if you're gonna try to scare scare my ass.

The Command Post - 2004 US Presidential Election - Kerry Victory Simulblog
this guy makes me look normal.

WHEN DID SOFTWARE GET POLITICAL?
NGP Clients
If this shit is so good, why doesn't it cross party lines?

A BP in Need of an Ass Whomping
C'mon, Marty. WE know your nuts. Why'd you have to go and show everyone else?

Yahoo! News - Dean Blames Third-Place Finish on Attacks
No. You lost because you're a flaming nutbag.

IF THIS IS TRUE, SOMEBODY NEEDS TO GET DEAD
Police probe "assault" on Stephen Hawking

Media Wearying of Martha Stewart?
Because it involves thinking, sports fans. No dead bodies; no sex crime; no gazillion dollars in illicit profits. A cursory look at the indictment tells the casual observer that if she WASN'T Martha Stewart™, she wouldn't be in the dock.

Words from a Stupid Goomba Dickhead

OK, NOW I'M PISSED
These whores purport that their ideas for Fixing Democracy are justifiable. I thinnk they are out of their friggin' minds.

The significance of Carol Moseley Braun
I love a little smack upside your head every now and then.

Al-Ahram Weekly | Special | Close encounter with a US diplomat
Will someone kick Shukrallah in tha ass, please? I'd pay bucks.

ST-v-SW.Net :: Death Star Sizes
Somebody buy these asshats a life.

Another reason to Nuke Canada

I'M SORRY, BUT...
I would have like to see the bitch got singed, at least.

She's So Nutsie
I swear, this chick makes no sense on a good day. How the f**k Pinch keeps her on the payroll....

These two were made for each other.

Israeli ambassador kicked out of Swedish museum after vandalizing art
He should have turned and beaten to the floor the DumbAss who walked him in front of such an appalling display. And then kicked the stupid little git until he bled or cried "Oy!".

Paul O'Neill=DWEEB

Death knell for space telescope
Hey, BBC? Why don'y you get your Beagle-Assed Space Agency together with the Russians, and DO SOMETHING BESIDES FAILING.

What the F***?
Okay. protesting in France about something the French are doing makes sense. But this idea is asinine. No one in North America gives a damn if you wear a scarf, or whatever you wanna call it. Protesting in canada, the US, or anywhere else just shows how lame your protest is, and how vapid your position leaves you.

I MADE THIS UP, TOO
Yellowcake in Rotterdam Harbor May Be From Iraq

The Ari Files - Mark Ari
JUST READ IT!
money: They are brave to stand before bulldozers to protect the homes of Palestinians.  I would do that with them, if they were to volunteer to ride the busses of Jerusalem day and night to protect the innocent ones there as well.  I don't expect them to do that.  Perhaps it is because they believe there are no innocent ones on the other side.  If so, shame on them. Perhaps it is because these innocents do not matter so much to them.  Perhaps it is because they are not brave enough for such a game of roulette.

CALLING ALL
If you ever even glanced at here, then go here:
The Ari Files
RIGHT NOW.

HEY! IDIOT F.A.N.droids: Wells the phony, not Rocket

Dude! You picked the wrong guy.

Somewhere, Steve McQueen is Smiling

PUTTING THE ROCKET TO REST
This is the last thing about Clemens signing with Houston I'm posting here. It represents the bulk of my material--but is too soft on Steinbrenner and the Tampa Mafia--when the inevitable bar arguments get under way:
It all started with the Boss

I didn't even think about this fact until I was reminded reading this.
There are only four guys now that won rings during The Run. Unreal.

YOU KNEW THIS WAS COMING...
...when Steinbrenner dissed Pettite. Clemens watched it go down and decided he wanted to send Boss George a long distance spit in the eye.
update: The NY tabloids' sports editors are idiots. Calling Clemens a "traitor" is ridiculous. If anything, he proved his priorities are in a better place than most professional athletes in this town. He listened to the Yankees keep saying re-signing Andy was their first priority while they wooed players who couldn't carry Pettite's jock. Clemens was probably deeply involved in Pettite's decision to take the Astro offer. He probably also decided then and there that he was going to join his best buddy playing for their hometown team. When you read about Yankee officials feeling Roger conned them, remember Clemens never filed his retirement papers, which would have forced him to sit for a year before he could play for anybody.

The Yankees, for their part, didn't defend their rights to Clemens by filing for arbitration, even if they thought it was a pro forma, going-through-the-motions waste of time.

A final note: Roger, dude, since you pulled this move, there is no way in Hell Cooperstown is letting you wear a Yankee cap on your plaque. You're wearing a Red Sox lid. End of story. If you stayed retired, you may have generated enough sympathy. Any argument you offer about wearing the interlocking "NY" logo now gets laughed off the table, because Boss George is a member of the Hall of Fame's Board of Directors, and you assured the world the lunatic is gonna live as long as it takes to keep a Yankee hat off your plaque.

Mike S. Adams: In my old neighborhood
Woah.

Rocket relaunch: Clemens to pitch for Astros
Do any members of the current Yankee squad hold a 'Pilot's License'?
Medicate them.
We're aiming straight back to the Zoo.

Today's been a good day, so far.
Woke up. That's always a plus. Wife is alive, well, made coffee, is mildly perturbed that I slept the Sleep of the Dead. Dog still loves me.
The Bleat
Gotta love James.
update: Re-reading this thing makes me go from giggle to guffaw.
PENGUIN PSYCHOSIS:
Lileks becoming eerie manifestation of Leather Penguin, Nordic Division, Reality 1.1A. Become reminded about the that MTV mick Boston asshole who also manifested Leather Penguin-ish behavior.

THE BALONEY REJECTS THE GRINDER
Super! A BlogWar in RealTime!

I gotta tell you, I'm starting to like these off shore boyos, like
this cracker, more than a majority of the local spawn.

The Immutable Laws of Maureen Dowd
Bwaaa.... oh, fuggit. She's beyond mocking.

Ah, the Power of The Smoking Gun

NOW I GET WHY MARTHA STEWART GOTTA PAY

See, the way I figure, a whole lotta folks like DickBoy Denby got their keisters kicked during the Clinton Era economic LSD trip, when a vermillion bottom line at least shading towards chiaroscuro had no causal relationship with the valuation of an Internet/tech company's stock price, because, if you will allow me, "they had no fuckin' idea what the company did in the first place but its name had 'DOT COM' so it hadda be hot."

These weren't mad-dog day traders hanging at the local Schwab sweating out the ticker. These were mavens, media elite types who broke bread with the wealthy, the powerful, the ones who controlled all the dough. As members of this cabal, they assumed they would always be in the Big Picture. Yet they got hosed like the schmucks at Schwab.

So somebody had to pay and Martha popped up on the radar. It seems to me that whatever "insider" information she had access to pales compared to the sources Denby claims to have been tapping into during his Gekko phase. This guy's yakking it up with folks that weren't just "inside," they owned the damn keys to the basement. And I'll bet there are a bunch of Denby's out there, lurking along Media Row. So Martha ends up getting fingered, and they all can 'tisk-tisk' and feed her into the shredder, while their own actions go under the radar because, outside of the social environs of Manhattan, the Hamptons and such, their pelts on the wall don't do diddly when it comes to getting some prosecutor a promotion.

Give us your tired, your poor, your illegal

This proposal Bush laid is out the most abhorrently motivated bits I have ever witnessed. It makes Grey Davis and the driver's license manuever look almost comprehensible. If I'm reading the basic concepts he outlined in his speech yesterday, it goes something like this:

ILLEGAL (UNDOCUMENTED) IMMIGRANTS (WORKERS)
If you're here illegally, but can document that you have a job, you can apply for a permit which will allow you to remain here for three years as long as you maintain your employment, pay your taxes, attend weekly religious services, yadda, yadda, yadda. When the three year period expires, you may renew--one time only!--your permit. After that, we don't know.

FELONIOUS TAX CHEATS (EMPLOYERS)
If your workforce has any member(s) of the above cohort, you will provide the employee documented proof of his/her employment status. This documentation, detailing the employee's position, tenure, salary, et. al., will be filed with the federal government. It will require you to renumirate said employee under the laws and statutes established by the federal government and your local state, city and municipal governments. If said employee's employment is terminated, you may be required by law to inform the federal department supervising this program.

Yowza! That's one hell of a deal now, idn't it?

If your a member of the first group, you are relatively assured that the INS will not be busting your ass back to where you came from anytime soon, but the Feds will know where you are and what you better damn well be doing or else the INS gets sicced on you!

If you belong to the latter group, you are relatively assured that your operating costs will explode and your tax liabilities--future, present and especially past--will become onerous and open to IRS scrutiny. You will become a de-facto contractor to the Feds, operating as their representative in maintaining the intergrity of this program by monitoring your employee and informing the authorities if the employee's status changes or we unleash the IRS beasties to feed on your ass till it shits nickels.

Oh, fun!

Does Karl Rove really think this is gonna get him Hispanic votes? It didn't work for Davis in the recall. Further, can ANYBODY tell me where the hell the upside of this scam is supposed to reside for either party involved? If I'm an illegal, I risk maybe getting deported, probably getting fired, definitely placed on the goverment's radar. If I'm the employer, I just lost a hunk of my profits, had my operating costs and payroll expanded, and maybe spend the next ten years getting reamed by the IRS for all my off-the-books shenanigans from years past if I don't go along with this.

Oh, Yeah! Sign me up!

What galls me is rationalizations of this by Bush defenders as the only pragmatic option available. BUNK! (and Sully, your choice of Money Quote is bathetic.)

You need cheap labor? Call your local prison warden. He's got warm bodies piled high in his pen. Hell, the states use 'em to pound out license plates; why can't Perdue use them to pluck chickens and shovel shit?

Ross Mackenzie: Abroad, negativism vs. a catalog of reality
The article is worth reading just for its closing paragraphs, which helps reinforce the notion that history seems to incessently repeat itself.

Providence and Al Gore

EIB Extra: The Making of the Money Shot
Ha Ha Ha! How his media people didn't think this manuever was going to earn them a slap, I don't know.

Kucinich Shows Pie Chart on Radio Debate
A primary always needs a buffoon in its early stages to keep the entertainment level high enough to draw the casual observer.

Hil's Gandhi gas jockey joke fuels row
It's the slips like this that shows she'll say damn near anything if she thinks the audience in front of her at the moment will swallow it.

If they don't like it, they can go fly a kite
Damn straight! We are Cowboy Nation, and if you don't let our Marshall's fly, watch your airlines go bye-bye.

The Philadelphia Inquirer Online | A True Believer
Have to include Philly in this.

Relief pitchers tend to be, well, the polite word is different.
"What you mean," he said, "is on the far side of... well, out there beyond where it gets weird."

Farewell to Mets' believer
Tug was one of my favorite players when I was a kid, even though he was a Met. Watching him drag that '73 team from last place all the way to the World Series was probably the greatest playoff run I've ever witnessed in any sport. And all his TV interviews and such showed you a guy you wished had been your crazy uncle instead of the one you got stuck with, because you knew he would always be fun to be with.

Pete belongs in the Hall
Allowing the plaque to be put on the wall is the right thing to do. When you go into the stats room, his name is everywhere, usually in the top five or ten. Sure, ban him from any management-type position, but denial of his place in the baseball pantheon is just ridiculous hypocrisy.

The S factor explains Bush's popularity
Like Sullivan says, give the self-righteous bastard his due: at least he comes out and admits he thinks most of the people around him are too stupid to be allowed to vote. It should be left to the "educated" members of society, those intellectual masterbators who can argue the socio-political significance of Bert's relationship with Ernie in post-industrial Western society as it comes to grips with the burgeoning gay rights movement.

Right, when I want asshats like that deciding anything, I know I've gone off my medication for far too long.

OpinionJournal - John Fund on the Trail
Very funny. Best bit:
"All of these led Democrats to worry that Mr. Dean was turning himself into a piñata for Republicans during the fall campaign. "I know Howard Dean is the doctor, but I have a prescription for him: He doesn't need to answer every question," said Donna Brazile, Al Gore's 2000 campaign manager. "

New York Daily News - Sports - Top 10 N.Y. Sports Stories of 2003, No. 1: Aaron goes ka-Boone!

Draft's End Isolated Military From Rest of Us
Hey, sweetie, you get the girls included in the Selective Service sign-up every American male has to register with on his eighteenth birthday, and THEN we can start talking about re-instituting the draft.

Dean's blunt talk about race
What a rube. If he wins, it's a slaughter come November.

HUMAN EVENTS ONLINE :: Mexican Diplomat Charged With Helping Smuggle Arabs Into U.S. by Terence P. Jeffrey
CRUCIFY THEM! CRUCIFY THEM ALL!

The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler: Leslie Clark Tours the South
The Hills are Alive, with the Fisk by Misha.

New York Daily News - Down goes Zimmer!

FOXNews.com - Foxlife - Fox411 - Blind as a Bat
This reeks of Boomer.